downside

[arenaria]

Voice lets her go.

Shell doesn't know how long it's been. She doesn't know where she is. She doesn't know how to get home, or if she has one.

She stands on Voice's doorstep. She blinks slowly at the brightness.

She walks in a random direction.

Downsiders aren't big on charity. It's not like it's going to kill her if she doesn't get help. It's not like she's unfamiliar with the effects of dehydration and hunger; Voice didn't always remember to take good care of the pet in the basement. Shell walks, and when she's tired she lies down on the ground and sleeps, and when she wakes up she walks, and every few days she curls up on the ground, waits to torch from thirst, and then gets up and goes on.

She doesn't count the number of times this happens. It doesn't matter.

She walks. She has nightmares. She walks.

On an unremarkable day on an unremarkable street after unremarkable stretches of years, she feels herself cross a telltale threshold of dizziness and headache: she cannot make significant forward progress towards Not Where She Is Currently Located until she torches or (less likely) someone gives her a lot of water. It's possible she'll be able to sleep through this torch. She sits. She leans on a wall. She should probably pick up the next sharp object she finds. Maybe a piece of broken glass will present itself. Then she can skip these parts.

She sits, and she closes her eyes, and she waits. If the buildings around her would ever have seemed familiar, they don't now.

Comments

[sicaria]

Sherlock hugs her back, shivering very slightly.

[she_sells_seashells]

Bell peers into Sherlock's head.

She finds the mental equivalent of wordless screaming.

[It's okay. It'll be okay. We'll figure out what to do with her, she'll be fine, it'll be okay, she doesn't blame you - I didn't think to look for anything like this either, it's not your fault.]

[arenaria]

"I love you," Shell sobs into Sherlock's shoulder. "I love you, I love you, do you still love me, please still love me - I'm so sorry I forgot you -"

[sicaria]

"I love you," she murmurs, almost soundlessly, almost tonelessly.

(it is her fault it can't not be her fault it will always be her fault she is wrong she is of no more than practical value and whatever practical value she has was insufficient to stop this from happening)

[arenaria]

This reply is enough to stop Shell from crying, if not instantaneously.

She does not uncling. She clingsclingsclingsclings.

"I used to wish you were there, it was terrible and I did it anyway, if you were there it would've meant you were dead, I'm sorry, I love you I love you."

[she_sells_seashells]

Bell moves to sit at the table Shell and Sherlock are both sitting on. [It is not your fault. I didn't think of this either, I was in just as good a position to do so as you were, I could have scanned the memory of the wish for loopholes and I didn't, I could have wondered about the details of how resurrection works and I didn't, you and I did the same thing, we looked at me being alive and never hypothesized that somewhere Shell was being dead, is it my fault?]

[sicaria]

"I wish I was there too," Sherlock whispers.

[arenaria]

"No, no, you're alive, it's good that you're alive, I'm glad you're alive, and I found you, I found you, you're here, I love you," says Shell, crying again. "I figured out what happened right away before everything - my guide took one look at my apartment and thought you'd be a suicide but I knew better - I knew you'd bring me back and that was why it was little and I knew you'd be okay and Tony would be okay and Atlantis would be okay and that was all good but I'm just so selfish -"

[she_sells_seashells]

"Everyone at home is fine," Bell confirms softly. "Ranae and Shark never even found out. Tony did but only after I was alive. Coin and her helpers are all on the moon. Everything's just how you would've made it. I'm so sorry for never imagining you."

[arenaria]

"I -" Shell hiccups between sobs - "I never would've imagined me either. There's no way but through here to do anything to communicate with livelings - before I forgot everything I was going to see if there was a - a biography of you or something in the library - but I never did - and now I'm here and - and now what?"

[she_sells_seashells]

"...I don't know," admits Bell.

[sicaria]

Why can she not be hugging them both at the same time without ceasing to hug one in between? Maybe there should be two of her too.

[she_sells_seashells]

[I doubt that would help. You'd probably both still want to hug both of us,] Bell points out.

[arenaria]

"I should've never - ever - happened," says Shell, "it should just be you - how long has it been - what did I miss -?"

[she_sells_seashells]

"Not much," Bell soothes. "Less than a year. Not much at all."

[sicaria]

There could be physically two of her who completely shared minds. That would fulfill all the requirements.

She contemplates actually making this wish.

[she_sells_seashells]

[Save major personal remodeling for a less stressed-out time?] advises Bell gently, and she pats Sherlock's knee.

To Shell, she says, "All I know is what you told Sherlock. Do you mind if I look?"

[arenaria]

"You can look, you can both look, you can do whatever you want with me, I'm just so happy I found you again," sighs Shell, somewhat calmed down (but still clinging tight to Sherlock).

[sicaria]

She—

could always merge afterward.



There's a thought.

[she_sells_seashells]

[There's a thought,] agrees Bell.

"Let's get you home?" she offers softly.

[arenaria]

"...Home."

And she can remember home, now, the palace (it was real), the world, the - heh, that crown she found in the nightstand was originally hers, wasn't it? - and she can remember Tony, and -

"But - but there are two of us."

She realizes only after she says it how that sounds, or how she guesses it would sound, to Bell-the-live-one. "I mean you are obviously the sane one you're in charge I'm not going to do anything you don't want but -"

[she_sells_seashells]

"There could stop being two of us," Bell says. "I mean, we could - go back to being only one. But it would be complicated, and I want to think about it, and I want to think about it at home. And I know you want to see home."

[arenaria]

"Oh."

Pause.

"I - I don't think you want to be me."

[sicaria]

"I don't think you want to be you," Sherlock observes.

[arenaria]

"Sure," says Shell, "but I can't do anything about it. I can just torch, that's all. I've done it a million times and I go right on being me. Bell doesn't have to."